Why Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Initiate Sex

Dan Munro Featured, Relationships, Self worth 96 Comments

 

There’s something uncomfortable we all need to talk about.

This is for all you women out there in a relationship with a man who does not try to have sex with you at least a few times per week, if not daily. And, of course, it’s for those men too.

Note: for the sake of making this easy to write I will use heterosexual relationships as examples, but I’m sure this will apply to all types of sexual relationships involving modern men.

In my years of diving deeply into the intimate details of Nice Guy’s lives, I’ve been struck by a recurring theme: lack of sexual leadership by men. By this I mean guys who do not boldly and directly initiate sex with their partners (and women they’re attracted to in general), men who use indirect methods to meet their sexual needs (manipulation), and/or men who rely on pornography for sexual stimulation.

Ever been with a man like that?

These men tend to be passive and avoidant in all forms of sexuality, including touching, kissing and verbal sexuality (dirty talk). These men wait for a green light from women before making a move. They will not attempt any sexual move that puts them at risk of rejection. They get emotionally agitated when rejected sexually, demonstrated by completely fake acceptance (masking rage), depression, or by taking it personally.

This whole effect has a disastrous outcome. Women around the world feel unattractive, frustrated, confused, and forced into masculinity. They feel that their partners do not find them attractive, or that their dates just want to be friends. And everyone misses out on playful, uninhibited nooky.

Let me make a couple of points clear here:

  • It has almost nothing to do with sexual desire or how attractive you are. Most men want sexual release frequently, and when push comes to shove they are not that picky about who they’re attracted to.
  • It is rare for a straight guy to have a genuinely asexual platonic relationship with a woman. This doesn’t mean men can’t be your friend, just understand there will often be attraction and they definitely have at least considered shagging you. There’s nothing wrong with this. Relax.

So what’s going on here? Why are men hiding their sexuality and avoiding rejection? Has your man really lost interest in you, or is there something darker happening behind the scenes?

I want to help women with these issues in two ways. Firstly, understand what is happening psychologically with your man (or that guy you just dated who didn’t try to kiss you). And secondly, what you can do to help him.

There are a number of contributing causes to male passive sexuality. I’ve learned of many, through my own experiences, psychological research, and the many anecdotes of both my male and female clients. Here we go…

MISUNDERSTANDING FEMINISM

The initial feminist movement was great for gaining equal rights for women in most countries. We’re almost there. Once religion stops ruling the moral sphere for society we might even achieve some sort of gender-equality.

But like all extreme movements, it went too far in some areas. Namely, third-wave feminism became synonymous with man-hating. In the 60s and 70s the message seemed clear: you men are all selfish rapists! Obviously, this was not the intended message by most feminists, but it was certainly the message that many men received.

Men were also told to be more sensitive and caring, which we took to mean “be more like a woman” and to stop being masculine.

It became the least fashionable thing in the world for a man to show sexual attraction to a woman. Even a wink was considered assault. It became difficult for men to safely understand the difference between harassment, assault, flirting and foreplay. And there was no-one there to teach us, because they were too scared to give the wrong advice.

The stage was set for a whole generation of men (who of course were to become fathers and rolemodels) to become scared , ashamed, and confused about their own masculine sexuality.

SEXUAL SHAME

Many boys are conditioned as they grow older to feel ashamed of their sexual desire. They are told that it is materialistic to be attracted to girl before you “get to know her.”

Romantic movies portray the asexual wimpy friend as a hero, and the sexually dominant male as a sleazy sadist. Words like “sensitive” and “respectful” are over-emphasized and misunderstood by men to mean “you have pretend to care more than you actually do before you can shag her, or else you’re a rapist.”

Many boys are raised almost solely by women. Fathers are away working and emotionally distant (and they are victims of this shame as well so their rolemodelling is no help), and most school-teachers are female. This means that a boy’s model of what it means to be a man comes filtered through female interpretation and the unrealistic media.

Women have the best of intentions when they tell a boy how he should treat a woman. Unfortunately this description often includes complete lack of sexuality and leadership, and gives the boy a picture of a lower-status, passive and asexual friend (be polite, compliment her, buy her dinner etc.).

When you ask a woman about her “ideal” man, she will often describe the caring and nurturing side. However, This is not what she is sexually attracted to. It would be pretty rare for a mother to tell her son “On your first date, make sure to playfully spank her on the ass, and don’t wait to the end to go for a kiss.” Guys grow up with no intuitive sense of when it’s OK to behave this way, and when it’s not. So they opt for the safest option: do nothing.

Women are also encouraged to feel massive shame about their sexuality, thinking that wanting sex is “slutty.” This causes women to pretend not to have high sex-drives, further convincing men to believe women do not welcome sexual attraction.

I didn’t realise that women actually enjoy sex more than men until I was in my mid-20s! And I’m not even one of the worst cases. One of the reasons men become obsessed with pornography is because it’s the only media outlet that shows women enjoying sex, especially beyond the traditional vanilla (religious) relationship model.

Combine all of this with the boy’s first sexual experiences in early teen years. If he’s been conditioned to think that sexual desire is shameful and then he gets rejected when asking a girl out for the first time (like what happened to me), he will consider this as solid proof that he should be passive. He will then wait patiently for a girl to select him, causing him to forever place women on a pedestal of status above him.

He will constantly seek their validation and approval. This makes him even more ashamed of defiling one of these goddesses, so he holds back sexually, and eventually he will settle for any woman who is willing to initiate, even if he doesn’t love her.

Movies and TV programmes give boys the impression that men should not develop sexual feelings towards a woman until after they are attracted to her personality. This does not line up with reality. A man decides whether or not he wants to sleep with you in less than 0.000001 nano-seconds.

A man does not need to be attracted to your personality to want to have sex with you. It’s the way men are biologically wired – accept it, or be forever disappointed. So this concept of telling a man to wait for intimate connection before showing attraction is a common example of men being made to feel that their natural desires are “wrong.”

Want to know what happens to men who are constantly conditioned to believe that they should repress sexual desire? They eventually snap. Just look at what happened with the Catholic Church. I used to rehabilitate child sex offenders, and can say without doubt the leading trigger to their offending was shame.

In the end, you get men who think it is basically wrong to want sex. It’s as simple as that. There are plenty of exceptions of course, but if you’re a socially active woman then you’ve definitely had these men in your life, many times. Think of any guy who’s ever been nice and friendly to you, without you having to respect him or otherwise earn it. He was probably trying to get laid without being direct. End of story.


If this is starting to resonate with you, download my free ebook PDF guide today:
How to Have a Relationship With a Nice Guy


THE FEAR OF REJECTION

At the bottom of it all is a dirty, shameful secret: these men are terrified of being rejected by women. TERROR-fied. Overcoming fear of rejection is the most frequent conversation I have in the coaching I do.

Due to everything we’ve discussed already, and combined with genetic predispositions we all have around social harmony, Nice Guys associate rejection with feelings of intense anxiety; a constant dread.

I know men who are quite successful with women yet still feel massive approach anxiety. The thought of going up to a girl and telling her that she’s gorgeous loosens their bowels. Nice Guys require alcohol, signs of attraction, anonymity (e.g. online dating), long-term friendship, and other crutches before they can feel safe to express attraction. Some never do it, even once the relationship has started.

Expressing attraction is a risk-taking behaviour. The fear gives Nice Guys a sickening feeling, linked to thoughts about what would happen if the attraction is not reciprocated. When I ask my clients “What are you actually afraid will happen?” their answers are never clear, beyond a few vague hints at reputation and embarrassment.

They’re so afraid of rejection they can’t even explore the idea of it without support. Some can’t even admit to it, yet their behaviour shows avoidance of social rejection in every area of life (e.g. sticking with a job they hate because they’re afraid to ask for a promotion).

This can continue well after a romantic relationship is established. I used to think that every time a girl I was seeing said No to sex that it was all over. Often it was, but this was actually due to my other people-pleasing behaviours, and I didn’t see that so I just further reinforced the false belief about rejection.

Men in relationships continue to be sexually passive because of the underlying fear that sexual rejection will signal the end of the relationship entirely. It’s like Billy Connolly once said:

“Women need to feel loved to have sex; men need to have sex to feel loved”.

I am NOT advocating sexual assault, of course. No means no. But waiting for a clear invitation before even suggesting interest is weakly passive, and will leave many women waiting in vain. Men have to take a risk – part of masculinity is assertiveness. But they often don’t, because…

AFTER VALIDATION THEY DON’T NEED TO “CHASE”

Women who email me each week often ask why their guy “stopped trying” after the initial 3-6 month courtship. What happened to the roses and dinners and romantic/sexual gestures? Often this stuff ends shortly after you’ve put out for the first time. Is it because Nice Guys are just shallow manipulative sex-fiends?

Actually, no.

What’s happening is the guy is trying to feel good about himself. He has been conditioned to worship and seek the approval of women (remember all the female teachers etc.?) and cannot function without it.

The courtship was not really romance, it was a misguided and unhealthy attempt to receive your validation. Once you give that validation (e.g. have sex), they can finally relax, which often means no more effort at all.

One thing I’ve noticed about truly confident men: they do not chase. They make their desires known directly, and encourage you to either accept or reject them. If you try to string them along, they get bored and move on. They will participate in courtship, but only if there is equal investment (i.e. they will only chase if you chase back).

SEX is the ultimate validation for the poor damaged Nice Guy (I say this with love; I used to be one). When a Nice Guy gets laid he finally feels that he has received your acceptance. So he no longer has any reason to keep manipulating you into liking him more. It has nothing to do with how attracted he is to you.

It was never about you.

FEELINGS OF WORTHLESSNESS

You can imagine what happens to man over time when he is programmed to see sex as the only proof that he is a good person. He starts to feel worthless when he doesn’t get it, and chasing sex feels like a chore that he doesn’t even get to enjoy.

And worst of all, he creates a pattern that amplifies this effect. Because he is so passive around sex (waiting for you to initiate), he rarely gets it. He’s not making any effort to turn you on or initiate because he’s waiting for you to make a move (that he doesn’t even really want because sex now feels like a job to him). So you think he’s not interested and sex just stops happening.

Now he feels even more worthless. In his mind, even his partner doesn’t want him. And when you finally do get drunk or frustrated enough to give in and initiate, it only enables this process even more, because now he’s getting intermittent rewards. This is a psychological concept that explains why people love to gamble; we are wired to become more obsessed with occasional unexpected rewards than we are with consistent rewards.

He has now unconsciously made you responsible for his self-worth, and he blames both of you for the lack of sexual activity.

And a final point, one I’m no expert on, is that men these days simply have less testosterone. Our diet and behaviour are increasing oestrogen levels, which exaggerates these issues. It’s hard to feel like a man when you’re flooded with ‘female’ hormones.

WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

So there you are: with a man you love, or on a date with an interesting guy, yet suffering through a boring sex life. What can you do to help him rediscover healthy masculinity?

Firstly, try to understand what you’re dealing with here: a frightened little boy. A man who has been brainwashed into thinking that women are the leaders in sex, and that he should wait for full outright expressed permission before even considering sex.


I’m here to help! For tips, resources and support on this issue, download my free ebook PDF today:
How to Have a Relationship With a Nice Guy


Here are my top tips for re-programming your man and helping him unleash his masculine, powerful sexuality:

  • Tell him what you want. The upside to these guys is that they are eager to please you sexually and get a massive thrill from your pleasure. Use this to your advantage. Give him explicit instructions on what to do physically, and encourage him to surprise you. The more he sees himself as sexually successful, the more courageous and risk-taking he will become over time.

 

  • Encourage him to be sexually dominant and tell him to lead. Give him permission to initiate without needing a ‘sign’ from you. Tell him things like “It would turn me on so much if you just randomly grabbed me and kissed me”. Spell it out for him at first, so he can safely challenge his boundaries. He’s going against his programming here, so be patient and relentless. Do NOT take over leadership responsibilities out of frustration, as this is only a short term solution that actually increases the problem.

 

  • Talk openly with him about his views on sex and leadership. Ask him who he thinks should lead and initiate. Let him know its OK for him to do this with you. Create a safe space for him to speak openly about his sexual shame.

 

  • Call him out on his shit! I once had a girl tell me that it was annoying that I made jokes about how I didn’t get laid. This was a total revelation – I thought it was a good thing to show lack of sexual activity, until this happened. Some of my biggest changes came from girls in my life simply being honest and not enabling me. This is great to do when dating.

 

  • Spend a weekend away with him, naked and debaucherous. Dedicate a few nights to exploring all of your fantasies and his. Show him that nothing he wants sexually is ‘wrong’ (of course it’s still OK to say no to it, just don’t call him a freak). This weekend will make him much more sexually comfortable around you.

 

  • Encourage leadership, but don’t nag. Force him to make decisions for the both of you outside of the bedroom. Allow and support him to take risks. Don’t allow his passive feminism to force you to be masculine. E.g. if you’ve just started dating, make him choose where and when. Encourage his masculinity in other areas, like health and career.

And my NUMBER ONE TIP:

Get him to read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert A Glover. Go through the book with him and encourage him to do the exercises. It will be painful for both of you but may save your relationship.

Good luck! And let me know your thoughts – dan@theinspirationallifestyle.com (or comment below)


Don’t forget to download my free ebook PDF today:
How to Have a Relationship With a Nice Guy


Comments 96

  1. yeah no chase blah blah but don’t go mixing feminism in there. Are you crazy? Speaking from a mans view here, it’s because they literally cannot be bothered. Or they have been ‘Ruined’ by internet porn.

    1. Post
      Author

      I think you’re assuming that because this doesn’t apply to you that it also doesn’t apply to all men. You may want to research more on Nice Guy Syndrome. I would ask how many men have you interviewed deeply about this subject? You might be surprised at how different some men are to you. I totally agree that in other cases men have been psychological ‘ruined’ by porn, as there is a lot of research supporting this.

        1. Post
          Author

          Chasing can certainly be fun. I’m not denying that it’s the right thing for you to do. What I’m saying is that for some guys, perhaps guys different to you (but also perhaps not), chasing represents a needy “I must take” belief system, one which will never be fully satisfied and will cause them to seek approval their entire lives, essentially becoming unable to create a genuine and fulfilling connection with others.

          If that’s not you, consider yourself lucky, because nearly all guys I assess who consider chasing fun tend to be hiding massive insecurities about their own worth.

          I disagree that chasing is a dominant act. If one person is chasing another, then who is really dominating? In my mind, a dominant person is the one who believes in their value so strongly that they inspire others to chase. How can the one trying to be seen as impressive be considered dominant over the one they are seeking to impress – the one who feels no need to chase?

          Perhaps when you say “chasing” you really mean “seducing”? I don’t want to mistake your meaning.

          Seduction is best described as deliberate manipulation, designed to make someone attracted to you. If that isn’t a description of neediness and approval-seeking – the least dominant/confident traits – then I don’t know what is!

          Yes, there is a playful fun way to escalate your sexual connection with another person. But it requires no chasing, neediness or manipulation. It can be achieved through bold honesty, being willing to walk away, and most of all, through displays of honest sexual confidence. For me, it’s much more fun to express to a woman “I am powerfully attracted to you, if we’re left alone together things will happen”, than to chase and try to convince her to like me.

          Keen to hear your thoughts on this.

      1. I read your article about the nice guy syndrome and some things I do agree with and other things I don’t. I have been in a couple of relationship myself and currently in one right now ,we’re at first everything was going great she would initiated the sexual contact as I would initiated the sexual contact, But as time passed she stopped initiating sexual contact while I kept on initiating sexual contact and when I tried to bring it to her attention so that we could try to work something out, she just blew it off as I’m the one who has the problem that I am too sexually active. yeah I have read in plenty of different places saying that women are more sexual than men are in my experience .I haven’t come across one at all or else I wouldn’t be looking for answers and commenting on this site about women having expectations of what guys should be in what they want. yet the guy wants the same thing in return and they can’t seem to do the same for there guy…my feelings about a long-term relationship is that sex in a relationship is very important and that both need to continue to keep there sexual relationship going as the years go bye..you have to work to keep it going..people fall in and out of love..it take two who really understand what it takes to keep it going..so many couples have looked for sex outside of there relationship, cuz of lack of it at home…women need to understand what is needed and willing to do to have that relationship that they have envisioned in their minds..well that is my opinion on long-term relationships.

        1. Post
          Author
  2. “Think of any guy who’s ever been nice to you without you having to earn it. He was trying to get laid. End of story. No exceptions.”

    Wow. This is a fantastic view of the world… So what about my uncle and his friend? My sister’s boyfriend’s father? What about my highschool science teacher? My boss? My neighbor? And the guy who helped me change my flat tire? They all just wanted to f*ck me, huh?
    I’ll be sure to never again waste my time reading an article you’ve written.

    1. Post
      Author

      I appreciate the strong point of view. Disagree with it, but totally appreciate it. I don’t think you want to know what your boyfriend’s father, high school teacher and boss really have thoughts about. I’ve heard what guys like this talk about when women aren’t around. The truth would bother you deeply.

  3. Hi- the article is interesting and makes some good points. Disappointed to see that you seem to view men and women as so very different. In many frank and open discussions with countless women, in private what we say about men would probably surprise you deeply.
    Put a women in bed with a naked man – attractive at least- and if there were no consequences and it were safe etc, women would love to have anonymous sex.
    What puts women off in the double standards in how we are perceived and judged for loving sex as much as men.
    We love sex as much and want good sex as much but often men think we go off it. This is only because we get bored easily by many of our husbands or partners same old routine. We enjoy and want lots of sex but maybe not with them anymore.
    I think your article is excellent but you are misguided in viewing men and women as so different. We are not.
    Whenever a couple seek advice on how to spice up their sex life, it’s always suggested that women wear sexy clothes and make all the effort, but what we also need is men to make more effort. It’s give and take, not just give.
    Please guys, can I let you know on behalf of all females: most of us masturbate an awful lot and watch porn when you are not around. You are not alone.
    I have tried all what you suggest to encourage my partner to initiate sex and he dies after we talk about it but it so wears off. I agree that men have been taught to play down their masculine side and it’s a shame- in the bedroom it’s sadly missed by us ladies. We are happy to instigate half the time but it’s not normally what we prefer but we are prepared to do it. Men need to be prepared to also. Give and take

    1. Post
      Author

      Excellent response. Guys, read this comment above. I agree that men and women (and gay and straight) share these similarities. My article may read like I see guys and girls as different in these areas, but actually I don’t see it that way at all. I’ve written this focused on guys / masculine tendencies, with reference to the misconceptions guys hold in their minds. But there is a whole other shame story worth exploring for women. Here’s a great article on the shame women face: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jessica-dimas/taught-to-be-ashamed-of-my-sexuality_b_6199926.html

  4. Thanks for the insight. Your article was on point regarding my frustrations with my seemingly shy supposedly so romantic boyfriend. Sigh. This is going to take more time than I ever imagined.

    1. Post
      Author

      Indeed. Unfortunately for all women in this situation there is a tough choice: do you stick by him through a long, hard road of transformation (assuming he even wants to change), or do you cut your losses and move on? Email me if you want help with the decision 🙂

  5. Thank you for your article, I quite enjoyed reading it and agree with many of your points. My boyfriend of 3 years and I are having these same types of issues. He is very “feminine” and was raised by an all-woman household, (mother, sister, grandma, aunt, female cousin….etc. and no good male role models). Although, I love that he has so much respect for women and is very nurturing, kind and supportive, it bothers me that he does not initiate very often. At first I didn’t mind too much because I was preoccupied with school and didn’t notice, when I began to notice, I didn’t bring it up right away. I brought it up for the first time about 6 moths ago, thinking that he had lost sexual interest in me. He didn’t tell me exactly what was wrong and just reassured me that he did find me attractive and that wasn’t the problem. Since then, having talked about it again in two different instances I found out that he has a lot of anxiety related to rejection and/or not being able to do a satisfactory job (telling me this was very hard for him to do.) This is really sad for me because I love him and accept him the way he is. I understood that he was not very experienced when I started dating him and I feel that the only way that he will get better is by practicing. It is very reassuring to know that this is not an uncommon thing. Thank you for the advice, I will try to talk with him about this more openly and work with him to better our situation!

    1. Post
      Author
  6. Do appreciate this article, been dating a fella for a few months and it’s so frustrating to see someone so confident in other aspects of his life yet never initiate sex. He has never stopped me when I do but it’s such a blow to a woman’s confidence that I always have to be the instigator, how do you tell the difference between nice guy syndrome and a one sided relationship?

    1. Post
      Author

      Yeah it can be a challenge to know the difference between sexual shame and lack of investment. The key will be about his willingness to change when you confront him about his behaviour. Is he willing to try taking risks, be a leader, learn some new behaviours? I recommend you have a straight talk with him about it, ask if he’s willing to change, and then together set goals. If he sticks with the goals, you have a chance. If not, his words were empty, and it’s time for you to make a decision about staying with him as he is.

  7. This was a real eye opener.
    I’ve come to realize that I have this innately but am lucky enough to not suffer any problems from it. The reason for that is because I’m together with a very masculine girl. Half the time she likes to wrestle me down and that has inspired me to do the same to her. This very rarely goes directly to sex but it’s more often like way-in-advance foreplay, sets the stage for what’s to come a few hours later.

    There’s no problem forcefully grabbing and holding your partner down so that only a very sharp “No” will suffice.
    She’s thought me that.

    Still, I have no doubt in my mind that before we got together I would never have been able to deal with a feminine woman instead, for the reasons stated in the article.
    There’s some slight challenges in dating a masculine woman too, as she can be clueless to when sensitivity and assurance is called for in the same way as when guys associate among themselves but imo, it’s not any major disadvantage.

    Happy where I am, I have no desire to cheat or end it, but I do want to reclaim my masculine side, which is why I actively approach women at parties, drag them up to the dance floor, gets lightly physical etc.

    I do it well and don’t offend anybody with this (funny how it never actually was too complicated to read the lines really). The only problem I seem to have caused on occasion is to tap into some poor girls unmet desires (which obviously won’t be met by me) because men by and large, don’t do this anymore.

    1. Post
      Author

      Thanks for sharing KJ, and there’s nothing wrong with a woman taking the masculine role more frequently while the man takes the feminine role… UNLESS you want to be masculine and are not living up to that – then it will erode your confidence over time. Interesting observation that you’re masculinity at parties shows you that women are missing out on this regularly. I see the same thing myself; the unsatisfied desire, particularly in women who are in long-term relationships – they can get quite flirty if you just show some assertiveness. Makes you wonder what their men are not doing.
      I recommend you check out “The Way of the Superior Man” by David Deida to help guide you in establishing who is masculine and feminine in your relationship, and when you should switch roles.

  8. Hi Dan,

    I need help…..when we first married – 40 years ago – i promised myself i would never put my wife under any pressure for sex – although i was- and still am very highly sexed. To cut a very long story short, i have, over the years, “allowed” my wife to…..control the household finances – drive the main car with me in the passenger seat – she books the holidays as well as a full time job.- etc…..bla bla bla….
    I do the house cleaning and decorating and have a full time job – but with out any doubt she does not respect me as a “man”. I have been emasculated. The thing is – years ago when women wanted “new man” they didn’t reckon on the fact that they would actually end up despising them.
    I know i’ve left it too late – i’m 59 – i just don’t know what to do any more. I know my wife prefers to pleasure herself sexually when laying next to me in bed. I would say i have had sex around once or twice a year for the last 15 years (and that is only pity sex when we have been away) – i haven’t had intercourse for about 20 years.
    But – here is a thing – when we are out in public – shopping for instance – she will very often link my arm – but in the confines of our own home will do everything she can to avoid me or any intimacy – i just do not understand……..thanks Dan

    1. Post
      Author

      Thanks for opening up mate, I will respond to the email you sent, cheers. And for those others reading this: it’s NEVER too late

  9. HI there Im wondering if you can answer my question, my partner of a year never seems to touch me or initiate anything it always seems to be me. Im an attractive girl and I know he loves me. When I do initiate things hes all for it but its quite sad how he never touches me often and seems to just wait for me or dosnt really care if we do it or not Im not sure. I thought maybe he is seeing someone else that’s why hes doing this but then that’s just jumping to conclusions and I don’t want to do that. Along the way of our relationship he will message me and ask me for sexual things, like he is scared of rejection, Im not sure. Hope you can help answer my question its driving me nuts and Im loosing my confidence in the process.

    1. Post
      Author

      Hi Krissi, it definitely sounds like a fear of rejection to me. It’s like he waits for a “green light” from you before being sexual, because he’s scared of what it means if you say no (e.g. he thinks it will be over, and that he will be seen as a rapist or something). The first suggestion I always make is to talk with him openly and honestly. Sit down with him and say “We need to talk about sex. I want you to initiate but I don’t see it happening. Tell me why”

      Email me for more details 🙂

  10. I say smash the male sex role. Let men wear short shorts to the mall and bikinis, and g strings to the beach. Tell women it’s their turn to initiate. End sexism now: this is what the feminists said. “Sexism,” you know, it’s a word invented by feminists, and it is a terrible form of oppression. Feminists hate sexism. So let’s end it. Stop men from rape? Stop men from initiating period. End patriarchy now. Women are in control now. They are responsible.

    This is how many men feel. So how do you solve the problem? I know, hip hop and Hillary Clinton warmongering. Well, it doesn’t seem to be working. Men don’t want to go to war anymore, don’t want to send their sons to their death for the capitalists. What are we to do? The birth rate is dropping. I know: import millions from the most backward and sexist third world toilets we can. There should be plenty of men among them who will initiate. They know what women want.

  11. Thank you for writing this! I’ve been searching for months to figure out how to change my sex life. About 9 months ago I decided to date my best friend. He was the nicest person Ive ever known and he has always treated me like gold. I’ve never been in a better relationship; we never fight and have the best communication skills. But we have NO sex life (until I get drunk..just like you said), and that’s not okay. I’ve never been wit a guy who just refused to initiate before and I had no idea how to fix it. This article helps a lot, now I know where to start. Thank you!!!

    1. Post
      Author
  12. My boyfriend can go quite awhile without sex. I always have to make the first move and it’s frustrating. I tried to speak to him about it, but i feel like i get nowhere with the conversation. I can feel him hard as a rock in bed, but makes no move. Just rubs my back a little bit and gives up and rolls over to sleep. I feel since i stopped initiating sex first that our relationship has fell apart some. We’re fighting more and im really moody. Please help!

    1. Wow! Very sad! I would LOVE to be married to someone who had YOUR attitude. Then, even if you told me you were not “feeling it” on certain nights, I would KNOW that you still felt something for me. Best wishes! I am sure that I would “give up” , if my own wife turned me down enough.

  13. My boyfriend & I recently got back together after a cpl week break …3 years together in total. He sed he didn’t think I loved him & that’s why he ‘dashed’.
    Anyway, I left him to it & he came back…

    The reuniting convo was short…

    (Me)I show ‘action’ & less words
    (Him)He tells & no action.
    He wants me to marry him & wants a baby ( I already have 2 children. Ages 11 & 8.

    I’m 31 & he’s 30.

    However….. he won’t initiate sex. I try, he doesn’t take bait. If I mention I want more he tells me I’m selfish coz he hasn’t been well. (He went to docs for blood tests but came back normal & he’s still working and he’s a plasterer….but he can’t have sex with me) sex will do right now.
    Making love..is…yea right! I can’t evn get a passionate kiss.

    Iv this minute recembed a msg saying he can not wait to get home to me tonight, he’s missed me so much… always does. But that’s normal. Get those daily.
    He can not b cheating. He comes straight home after work & he’s not masterbating…I don’t think. I beleive this because wen he’s in bath he wants me to sit on loo at talk to him.

    Help…
    Wats going on????

    1. Post
      Author

      Hi Lily, sounds like quite a frustrating situation, I’ll flick you an email to discuss further. First piece of advice I always give when I get these questions: talk to him directly about it. Say something like “I wish we had more sex, but it seems like you don’t want to. What is going on from your point of view?”

      If you’ve already done this, I’m keen to hear what his response was.

  14. Must note….he will send a message….saying he has a big ‘tool’ now and again…I feel testing the water (like he’s seeing if im interested or something)….and if I say something like…oooo yea… He’ll change subject to something random …or say “gotta go busy”

    Help me plz

    Ahhhh

  15. You’re dancing around the real issue here. The real reason men stop initiating sex is because women use sex to manipulate men. They’re taught to do it from childhood. Well, men have had enough. If you’re going to withhold sex to punish or manipulate us, we’re going to stop initiating. It’s as simple as that. No, we are not controlled by our hormones, as you think we are. Women will need to demonstrate that they are worth our time and attention. Until then, get used to men ignoring you. That’s what you wanted, and now you’ve got it.

    1. Post
      Author

      Hey John

      I hear a lot of resentment in your comment. I have no doubt some women have treated you poorly in the past, but do they represent all women accurately? How are you choosing the women in your life – is there something in the way you meet women that makes it more likely that you will find the manipulative ones?

    2. Well, someone sure upset you, John.

      It’s sad that you think women are trained to manipulate men with sex. Also quite misogynistic, though I’m sure you consider yourself The Nice Guy Who Gets Hurt.

      Maybe someday you can heal and appreciate the woman in your life who no doubt tried very hard to express her love for you and wondered what was wrong with her when you pushed her away because she wasn’t the one who made you feel low.

  16. hi I’m in a 3 year relashionship
    I’m told I’m loved every day and beautiful
    but my boyfriends actions are confusing.sex just seems to have tailed off, I’ve wondered if he’s bored of me or no longer aroused.he shows lots of affection but sex never happens.ive been getting more resentful thinking it’s me been to avaliable. but when I really think about it, it has always been me who has been the leader with sex.hes never pushed me for sex and I know his ex didn’t give him sex.how can i tell the difference in losing interest or if it’s this issue.also last night I know he had mastrabated to porn even though we not had sex for 2 weeks! I’ve started sleeping in another room because I’m hurting deeply and he’s upset about the not sleeping next to me.but the lack of sex doesn’t even bother him.what can i do and to note it’s not a porn addiction.your post has really got me thinking?? please help!!

  17. and to add we always end up having sex when drunk! also he admitted he saw me in my gym wear and thought nice wink wink but thought he will later!! he never initiates
    I’m also now stopping all sex because I need to get to bottom of this.i don’t even think he’s noticed! just want to know is this loss of interest or the green light example?

  18. This is the best article I’ve read on this subject!

    I’ve never replied to articles on the Internet before, but I feel compelled to comment how well you see the big picture.
    This read has made me much more aware. Especially how need for validation and feeling of worthlessness is linked together.
    Fear of rejection and shame before sexual expression have become my default obsessive thoughts, unless I’m up to any task at hand. Feels like this matches descriptions of a ‘snap’ inducing behaviors.
    Thanks to you less people might become angry and/or stressed, whose problems root from pent up sexual frustration.

    Can you recommend anything to reduce the crippling nervousness and racing thoughts that kills my mojo, every time I consider approaching girls I want to bang?

    1. Post
      Author

      Hey Robin

      Thanks for commenting on the post.

      Regarding your question about overcoming nervousness, the main issue I notice is that the reason you’re approaching the girl in the first place is to get sex. That’s a lot of pressure to put on meeting someone!

      Check out this video and let me know what you think:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcKL6KIGsVo

  19. I don’t get this crap I know you think you’re Mr. know it all but everything isn’t the man’s fault. Its always the guy who has to be changed. Every man doesn’t want to screw every woman in the world if you think that your an idiot. There’s more problem with women going frigid. A human being can I ly take so much rejection. omg I’m so upset after reading this, there’s so much wrong in what your saying on so many levels I don’t know where to start so I’m just going to try and calm down and forget I read this

    1. Post
      Author

      I wonder why you’d be so upset about a blog writer being wrong. If a child tells me that there’s a monster under their bed, I don’t get upset, because I know it’s not true. I’m sure you’re OK with people being wrong.

      The only time I get upset is when something hits a nerve deep inside me. I read the anger and resentment in your comment and I feel for you. You WISH your sexual pain with women was the girl’s fault, because you’ve been hurt by women so often in the past. I get it, I do. I used to blame women for my pain also, there was some satisfaction in convincing myself that they were at fault.

      I don’t think me being “wrong” upsets you, it’s your history with women – your inner wounds – that my words have aggravated. I want to help you – I love helping men repair their emotional relationship with all women – but possibly you’re not ready for that. There’s still too much bitterness there.

      The title of this post is “Why your boyfriend doesn’t initiate sex”, not “All men are at fault for sexual issues”. If you’re already powerfully, respectfully and shamelessly initiating sex with the women in your life, then this article has nothing to do with you.

  20. Sorry this is bull shit. You are a Mangina and you side with women in hopes of being favored. More men initiate sex more than women, even your own post mentions that: supply and demand tells you that women have the power because they been just sitting there for centuries and enjoying the attention and the desire men seek. When men play the same card, punks like you write this stupid shit. You are extremely naive or in denial of reality. Do not preach that “bitter” guy gospel to me. I know my way around town.

    1. Post
      Author
  21. Where is the flip coin?? the post where women are supposed to initiate more???? huh Where is it. Wait let me guess…”men are supposed to be the initiators, always the one who wants some??? Why don’t you remove your ball from your girls purse and reattached them to your person. Instead of bowing down to this one sided bull shit.

  22. Let me start by saying you nailed with this article, That being said I am well aware of my shyness and adoviance, Let me give some back ground on me, I was a chubby awkward red headed teen who loved my comics and super heroes so needless to say I wasn’t a ladies man in high school I wanted to be but I never had a solid male role model growing up seeing as I could only see my father on weekends. I didn’t become sexually active until I was 20 years old and it was just awkward, I have only had 4 real relationships in my life, and well all 4 of those women ended up cheating on me with another guy, and well if it happens enough to you… you start to feel like a worthless looser. I must be bad at sex and not good enough for anyone. Now at 37 it’s been 10 years since I have been in a relationship and 13 years since I have had any form of sexual contact with a woman. I am shy and display avoidace behavior out of not wanting to be hurt again, I know it sounds stupid but if what’s the point anymore they’ll just cheat on me so why not just stay single, Now I am not bashing women I love them, I am lonely, and my friend is worried about me to the point where he’s annoying the crap out of me, I am lonely and I do miss women, but the fear of getting burnt by an cheating faithless person keeps me alone shy and sad.

    1. Post
      Author

      It’s sad to see such an optimistic person get their hopes destroyed by a few bad people. Unfortunately, in our neediness we find others who are unhealthy, and it can often seem like these others are all that exist. I feel for you mate, and I’ll email you privately with more support. Thanks for sharing, I know many men who would resonate with the story of being treated poorly by women but still loving them.

  23. Dan thank you for sharing this, it has been one of the most to the point articles on the subject I found online. Please allow me an observation and a question.

    I am not sure that you can get anywhere by encouraging someone to be dominant, it is kind of contradictory, you can not say to a man ”I am not the leader, you are” and convince him he actually has the lead, he obviously does not in this constellation! The woman remains the sexually dominant figure, when you have to tell to a man what to do, even if you try subtle ways in the sex game; you can always encourage someone to continue, but you can not convince to initiate…

    The guy I have been dating for the last couple of months is exhibiting also a sort of this behaviour. We go out, we sleep in the same bed. At the beginning we would make out and at some point he would stop. As you mentioned above a night that we were drank I took over the situation and we had penetrative sex, but after a while he lost his erection. I tried to initiate sex the next morning thinking the previous night not working out was because of alcohol consumption and he told me very clearly that he did not want to. To give you something more of the context, we don’t live in the same city (Italy), but I spend at least a weekend every two weeks at the place where he lives and happens to be where I was born and raised. I am Italian and he is Danish, both 35 and single, we work in the same sector and we are both fairly successful.

    So here it is my question to you and my request for help because I like him and I am very confused, how can you tell if the man is dealing with erectile dysfunction or he is, as you very well put it, sexually passive? Can it also be that in our times when sex is so easy and meaningless as a result, he is waiting to be sure he feels something for the woman and vice versa?
    Lastly, could I do something to give our getting to know each other a chance? I admire him in many ways and would like to share things with him.

    I would really appreciate your views. Many thanks

    1. Post
      Author

      Hi Elena, thanks for bringing this up. From what I’ve seen, sexual shame and erectile dysfunction often go hand in hand. A man will have painful emotional experiences with sex because he can’t get it up, and then starts avoiding sex because of this possibly happening. A vicious cycle. Given what you’ve describe, I’d say your man is probably in this trap.

      What will help him most is becoming comfortable about it, which will come from having deep, meaningful and vulnerable conversations about sex. Share with him what you’re feeling, and ask that he reciprocates. Aim to have no secrets left. This will probably have a huge impact on his shame.

    1. Post
      Author
  24. My live-in boyfriend (63) and I (58) have been together since April 2014, and living together since January 2015. He was more enthusiastic about sex when we lived apart in a long distance relationship (6 hours drive apart) and saw each other almost every weekend for 6 months. We used to have sex at least once every week, but after a few months, it dwindled down to once every 3 weeks, and now barely once a month. We’re both regular cyclists, fit and look great for our age. He compliments me all the time for my looks and I am still attracted to him.

    I’ve initiated several conversations over the past year about our lack of regular sex and how ideally I would love for him to be more assertive and seduce me. He is very affectionate and kisses me, holds my hand everywhere we go, tells me he loves me … we’re happy together and all, but we hardly engage in SEX. I know he masturbates in the bathroom on a regular basis, but when I confronted him gently about it, he lied and said he NEVER masturbates. I know for a fact he does and wouldn’t mind if it didn’t diminish his desire to have sex with ME! I told him it’s a natural activity and nothing to be ashamed of and yet he won’t admit it. He has had performance issues in the past and takes Viagra, but there are occasions when he doesn’t need it. His odd response to my confession that I wish we had more sex and he could be more assertive was that he can’t “share me.” What a reaction and lack of a solution. Rather than try to be more interested and engaged in sex with me, I have to live with it or move on, but he is not going to change. Bottom line: my thoughts are that he finds it easier and quicker to self-pleasure than to have sex with me. The rare occasion when we do have sex, he seems to thoroughly enjoy it. I wish it lasted longer – my only complaint, lol.

    What struck me here in this forum was that many of the couples in similar situations are younger than we are. So I guess I don’t have to feel so bad that it happens to all ages.

    1. Post
      Author

      Hi Julie, indeed it’s a problem for all ages. In your description what I see the most likely issue is that your man has shame around sexuality (evidenced by lies about masturbation), and that this causes him to feel pressured during sex (evidence by erectile dysfunction and preference for masturbation). Simply put, he sees sex as a chore because it’s emotionally challenging for him, rather than as a way to connect with you.

      If he’s unwilling to be honest, face the issues and change, you’re left with few options I’m afraid. If you express that you will have to leave him rather than tolerate this, he may be prompted to seriously consider working on this issue.

  25. I am having these issues with a guy I’ve been seeing for a little over two months. It took him right at two months to even kiss me. We aren’t youngsters. I’m 36 and he’s in his 40’s. We live a distance from each other but still try to see each other once a week with our work schedules and kids.
    Just this weekend, I had to grab his hand so he would hold mine. When I seen him this weekend, we hadn’t seen each other in a week and he didn’t even grab me up and hug and kiss me.. Actually he didn’t kiss me at all. We’ve only had sex twice. Only that first time, he initiated. I did the second time. He has yet to perform orally and honestly I’m quite frustrated.. We have taken everything so slow that I’m to the point of weighing other options. I don’t know what else to do. But I will NOT initiate again. I know he’s got a different side because he showed me a sex candle and showed me that he had a few other sex related things.
    I guess I wonder if he takes his time to show that side or if he’s all talk. He told me once that he thought I was very attractive. Just once.. He does plan our dates and make reservations at restaurants but he doesn’t do anything much in the physical department. Does it get better with time with very passive men? Or is this something I have to deal with or move on? It’s sad because I like him a lot. I just don’t see this going much farther if something doesn’t change.

    1. Miss Frustrated – and there’s the manipulation: “I will NOT initiate again.”

      Why is it OK for a woman do play this game, but not a man? You have every right to decide with whom you have sex. But so does he. Why do you feel you have a right to his body? Or that he has to be attracted to you? Please do him a favor and dump him now. You are obviously not sexually compatible. But of course, the only solution is that he must bow to your wishes.

      A man can not win at this game. If you’re polite and respectful, they’re frustrated because of the lack of sex. If the man pushes for sex, he “only wants one thing”. I swear, women decide in advance that they are going to complain about and try to control the man. No matter what he does, it was the wrong thing, she is mad, and it’s his fault. No wonder men are bailing out of the dating game in hordes. And this male author is encouraging men to fall into their traps. Do listen to him guys – he’s working for the enemy.

      1. Post
        Author

        Interesting that you see women as the enemy, perhaps this is the source of your discontent. It also implies that you do not take responsibility for your own pain. Perhaps this, also, contributes to your dissatisfaction with connections.

      2. Oh wow John! Can anyone be anymore insensitive? If you’re not going to act like you want to be around a woman and she’s to do all the chasing, guess you’ll stay single forever. We’ve all been hurt. I don’t care who you are. But I’m the type woman who takes care of everything, a house, kids, full time job, etc.. When I’m with a man, I want him to be that. A man. I want physical contact. Who the hell doesn’t? There’s no sense in crying over not having a woman if you’re not doing anything to keep her around and keep her interested. It isn’t manipulation. It’s life. And a man who doesn’t care for his woman or her needs is a very selfish man.

  26. Wow, this article was very helpful to me. I feel like you have been watching me throughout my life and relationships with women. I really see where I was conditioned to be a “nice guy” and wait for a clear invitation, the sad part is that I lost a marriage in the process.

    1. Post
      Author
  27. I don’t initiate anymore because it became a burden. we had sex 1 out of every 5 times I initiated. We were having sex like twice every month. My pursuit to increase that rate always failed. So I though she was just not into multiple sex occasions so I cut back on the initiation. Then the nagging, silent treatment, and all the dramatic tantrums started. We had one sided conversations where i pretty much asked questions and got no responses or vague responses. I staged romantics dinners and initiated sex again, the first one after the long period of sexual tension was a success, then we went back to 1 out of every five trials again. I can count maybe three times in a year that she initiated, one of the times she just wanted to make out and cuddle. Ok she’s a girl blah blah.. but it was like I had to put in work for both of use to enjoy sex. I pull the plug on the relationship after about a year or so. My question to girls is WHY DOES THE GUY HAVE TO DO ALL THE WORK SO BOTH CAN ENJOY SEX.

    1. Post
      Author
  28. the solution/prevention lies in the sexual drive of the betrayed spouse is victim blaming, and it is an inappropriate shift of responsibility. The average male is exposed to pornography for the first time by age 11, which is long before most men meet their wives. Pornography would be an issue for someone who is addicted regardless of who they married and how often she was willing to have sex. When the author chose to use the story of the man who experienced the addiction and then went on to discuss how his wife “never withheld sex, even though she was hurting”, I was appalled. The archaic expectation and treatment of the wife as property whose duty is to appease her husband’s sexual appetite even in the moments when her heart has been broken by his virtual infidelity shuns natural consequences and takes the individuality and validation out of the woman and instead states that the husband is the only one who deserves to be cared for when such a disaster befalls a marriage. http://www.howtomakehusbandhappy.com

  29. I love your article and it was enjoyable to read!
    my husband is most definitely the brainwashed type
    harharhar (:
    I had a feeling something was a little off when it came
    to the bedroom scene and at one point I was starting to think maybe it was me why he was behaving like that.
    but your article was the piece of puzzle that I needed
    to understand what is going on with my sex life.
    it just didn’t make sense cause my husband and I love, care and support each other very much on all levels of life but WTH happened in the bedroom o. O?

    I’d like to Thank You for your point of view it has given me the opportunity to understand my husband, to better not just our sex life but our relationship as a whole.

  30. I and my husband are in our twenties, both of us are physically active, healthy and attractive. I’ve always had men drooling over me, so I know that I’m attractive and sexy, but my husband almost never initiates sex, even though whenever I initiate it, he’s always happy to proceed. I don’t initiate very often because I feel like if he doesn’t, then he must have a reason – maybe he is tired or stressed. (He goes to school and works 2 jobs, sometimes getting little of sleep)
    However during the summer he wasn’t as busy as he is right now, and he wasn’t initiating it anyway. It really frustrates me because I feel deprived of attention and catch myself wanting to flirt and cheat with other guys that would give me even slightest sign of attention and show admiration. I almost cheated on him with some guy who barely spoke English but was very romantic and assertive towards me. I caught myself and stopped interaction​ with the guy, because I didn’t want to do anything stupid and act out of my frustration and emotions and hurt my husband, whom I love. He never really tells me anything romantic or says that I’m sexy, which is also very damaging to my confidence. I had relationships before him and was always praised by my previous partners – the relationships didn’t work out for other reasons. I even had an extremely toxic relationship for almost a year only because the guy was giving me compliments right and left and sex life was amazing, even though everything else was horrible!
    I talked to him about that, and he said he just wasn’t raised that way, his father is very quiet and doesn’t really show affection to his mom (especially verbal), even though they seem to have good loving relationship overall.
    But he is always nice and caring and holds my hand in the car.. I tried talking to him about us not having much sex and he said we are just very busy, and he thinks having sex once in 2 weeks is not too bad… I asked if I wasn’t sexy for him, and he said that I am sexy, he is just busy with everything.

    I can definitely agree with your point of view, my husband grew up in a family of very strongly opinionated women about women rights and women treatment by men. Maybe even a little too strong. Also he was mainly raised by his older sisters because his parents worked a lot.

    He does masturbate, I know it because I asked him. And he confirmed that he does. I have no problem with that.

    He is really nice guy, we get along very well. We love and respect each other. The story of us meeting and then getting married is truly like a beautiful fairytale​.. But our sex life makes me really doubt us.. he is the first guy that I had who is so passive towards having sex with me until I initiate, even though he always throws sexual jokes around me and even more so around his friends..
    I’m truly lost here and don’t know what to do.. I had relationships where sex was great but everything else not so much, this one is the opposite.. sometimes I try to convince myself that sex is not that important.. but other times I feel very moody and even resentful towards my partner because I am not satisfied sexually and emotionally..

  31. It doesn’t matter what feminism intended in the first place. Feminism was for women only dealing with women’s problems. This is what the movement preached–that women had all they could do dealing with women’s issues and that men’s issues were irrelevant. This is what was said. Women talked about ending sexism. Feminists coined the word “sexism” as a negative thing that needed to be gotten ridden of. Well, men want that, too. Men want to be loved for their bodies, too. You can easily find millenial high school girls on the internet who have posted anti sexist dress code signs in their high schools saying things like, “We have the right to wear revealing clothing to school and boys need to be taught that it has nothing to do with them and that we are not sex objects.” Nothing about wanting the same social freedom for boys to show their bodies in school, and boys can’t without being sent home. So how do you explain to millennial women who have no idea what a male thigh looks like that in the year 1970 in many schools in the USA boys were also coming to school in short shorts and swimming on swim teams in flower print bikini Speedos. Check out the yearbooks from that time period. I defy you to find that kind of male swimming attire being sold in liberal pro transgender Target or Wall mart these days. We actually had equality on the body issue in the seventies. We even had it in the year 1960. There was less sexism in the movie, Muscle Beach, with Annette Funicello where both genders paraded about California beaches showing an equal amount of flesh–also in the 1960 movie Where The Boys Are, a film about rape, by the way, in which the male characters react very sensitively to a female rape victim in Miami Beach. But take a look at the equality of flesh being exposed by both genders in that movie, then look at the horrid hateful sexism against the male body today on beaches. There are no bikini Speedos on the beaches today in the USA and also in many other countries that have had hip hop forced onto their cultures (I am writing to you from southeast Asia, so come and take a look). Why? Because the feminists hated things like Speedoes on men and often said terrible things to us on the beach, “Oh gross. Look at that sicko man.” so the feminists got what they wanted, an equally misogynistic response from the Hip Hop movement in both song lyrics and fashion. So, hey, why bother? It is going to take a couple generations of MGTOW before we can look honestly at this problem and say that sexism against men and boys and their bodies and expecting them to do most of the initiating is toxic to the relations between the sexes

  32. I was married for 17 1/2 years. 1 1/2 of those in separation, 15 of them not having sex. And I mean NO SEX. he wouldn’t even sleep in the bedroom with me let alone a bed. The first year was fine, (actually, less than a year) and the only reason I got pregnant with triplets was because of my lonliness already a year in, i “got him” in the shower, then prayed and begged God to let me be pregnant because who knew if I’d have another chance. He liked to tell people we “were trying” but between May and November (which was the shower scene) we only had sex twice. He wanted to adopt.
    I went my entire 30’s without sex, cuddling, kissing, petting. Id try only to be pushed off. I thought it was me. That I must be horrible to be with. Until I found his ex wife (they were only married 3 years) and heard a story similar to mine, just no kids and she didn’t put up with it as long as I did.
    I Never Turned him down in the beginning. Never complained, always enjoyed every minute (I’m a taurus. I love sex) and to be stuck in a marriage that was so sex less and loveless did a number on me. I never found port, or evidence of an affair.
    And have since come to find thar I’m considered pretty damn sexy by men 🙂 I’m starting to feel pretty and attractive, I’m just sad it took me till I’m 45 to feel this way and not dump him sooner.

  33. Maybe have been experiencing pain during sex and had to stop him. He feels like he was hurting you and of course he doesn’t want to do that, so in an attempt to protect you he’s not pushing the matter. He probably thinks you’ll initiate when you feel ready.

  34. Hi Dan,

    I read most if not all of the comments here but my case is a little different and I could really use your opinion. Thanks!

    So, I have been with my girl for a year now. The first ~6 month were great sexually:
    – We would both initiate and fuck like bunnies almost daily. We had 3 hour marathons etc.
    – We had sex in public places (locker rooms, cinemas …)
    – I was/am very dominant sexually (which she acknowledge actually)
    – She asked me to fake “rape” her even

    We are/were happy but still the sex got less in quantity and quality steadily.

    Now, after a year, it is 99% me who initiates. And I still do initiate every few days.
    I get rarely “rejected” and if so mostly for valid reasons:
    – “I have my period”
    – “People can hear us”
    – “I need to go to work in in 20 minutes”

    My problem is, while we still do have sex regularly, it is always because I want it. And she often makes me feel like she just “endures” it now. Boring sex with her being a starfish. He not doing anything proactively and kinky. And as soon as I am “done” she puts cleans herself and puts on her clothes and seems happy it’s “over”.

    She flat out refuses sex when she’s on her period now. She did not do that 6 month ago.
    I understand, but she did not mind that much for the first half year. Why now?
    I got BJs (without asking for it explicitly) regularly. Not anymore. I have to ask for it and she makes clear she does not enjoy it.

    We talked about it a little and she says I should not be surprised as this is normal for relationships that the sex is exciting and plenty in the beginning and becomes less interesting and less frequent.

    The problem is that I really see this literally as a loss of interest in me. She taking me for granted. Curiously, though everything else in our relationship speaks for her being absolutely happy. We cuddle a lot and share fun hobbies and go out together etc.

    So my current hypothesis is this: Now that I’m committed to her and moved in with her, she get’s all the benefits she wants out of the relationship (emotional intimicy, attention, security etc.) irregardless of how much “sex” she invests.
    While before she used my sex drive to get my attention and commitment to “catch” me. She actually pretty much admitted that before …

    Does that sound correct for you?
    I’m thinking of reducing my availability to “fix” this situation because it get’s really tiring to always be the one initiating an activity that both are supposed to enjoy and want.

    Thanks for your opinion.

    1. Post
      Author

      Hi Marc, sounds like exactly what I’ve written about here, only in your case it’s the woman who’s doing it. I’ll email you with more personal feedback

  35. Let’s back up a minute. Please convince me why I should even have a woman in my life. What value do they bring? I don’t see anything, not a thing. And don’t say sex. Sex is nothing but a woman’s tool of male manipulation, so it’s actually a huge downside to me. I really don’t see anything positive that a woman could contribute to my life. Please prove me wrong.

    1. Post
      Author

      There’s no reason why you should have a woman in your life beyond simply wanting to. If you don’t see any value in women, then I suggest you either stay away from them forever, or accept this challenge:
      Spend 6 months on a mission to find the value in women. Talk to them honestly. Seek to understand them. Ask them to educate you about themselves, all the while trying to keep an open mind by assuming that you are presently and temporarily blind to their value, rather than believing that no value exists.
      I believe all humans are valuable. I’ve learned this belief through seeking evidence; it’s not faith but fact. I’ve explored people deeply for many years to discover this simple truth. I also believe men and women are equally valuable, thought this was not always the case. I had to let go of my hateful presumptions to find this truth.
      If you want to cling to the belief that women are worthless, you are free to do so. My only question would be, does it feel like a good use of your life to do this?

  36. Is this passiveness a part of a man personality. I recently went through a situation with someone I was dating and we basically broke it off because she said I was too passive as well as laid back. I’ve talk to people about this, most say you are who you are, and I shouldn’t change, but I kinda feel most woman do not want a passive man, and I should not wait on meeting someone who will deal with that. As I started to reflect on this situation, it made me take a look at my past sexual situations, rather in a relationship, or just a one night stands. I have been passive (not initiating) in all of them. I”m now 49 and coming to this point where I need to address this. I also think this is one of the reasons why my wife ask for a divorce some years ago. With me going on 50, and this has been inbreeding in me over all this years, how will I truly get over this? Any advice will help, I’m scared I will end up alone, especially around my lack of confidence (which I believe is part of it) and my passive ways. I am definitely one those guys everyone consider super nice.

    I’m consider a very attractive man to woman that see me, but beyond that, I found I really lack the confidence, and now realizing about my passiveness has played an effect on my love life. I’m hoping I can find a answer soon. I will pick up your book and Dr. Glover book, but any other suggestion will help.

    1. Post
      Author

      Hi Samuel, your story sounds like so many I’ve heard before. It can be conflicting to hear the advice “just be yourself” and then feel like you’re living by that without any luck or love. I believe “yourself” is a fluid concept, and I also believe passivity is never authentic. True confidence means you’re all in or all out – Hell Yeah or Fuck No. Passivity shows a fear of the consequences of making a decision and acting. At least, that’s what it meant for me. I was passive for 25 years but now I realize that was never truly ME.

      Check this out for more tips on how to move on to a new version of you
      http://www.theinspirationallifestyle.com/overcoming-nice-guy-syndrome/

  37. Hey Dan – are you on the enemy’s payroll or something? Don’t ask for permission??? You are leading us right into the feminist trap. One accusation, and your life is ruined.

    You can tell your female readers that we’re through with them and their games. No amount of sex is worth putting up with a woman. Sex is the #1 way that women think they can manipulate men, and you’re encouraging men to play along.

    You sure don’t think much of men. You put any many next to a female, and he automatically wants sex??? We need ‘validation’ from women? It’s not normal for a man to have a platonic relationship? Really?

    If you’re not a woman, you are sure under their spell. Good luck with that. The rest of us have smartened up and moved on.

    1. Post
      Author

      “Enemy’s payroll” – I don’t know what happened to you, but your hatred for women seems to own you completely. Is that hatred any less of a “spell” than what you see me under?

      “Don’t ask for permission?” – in case I wasn’t clear already, I’m not saying go beyond the point of consent. No means no. I’m saying make a move without needing a signed contract of permission. Get to the No instead of imagining it. If your move is met with resistance or outright rejection, of course you should stop. But initiating will often require risking this rejection.

      “The rest of us have smartened up and moved on.” – moved on to what? Loneliness? Sexlessness? My life with women is currently sexually satisfying, full of mystery and intrigue, and abundant in feminine compassion. Why would I want to move on from that? Have you considered moving on from resentment? That’s what I moved on from.

      Some of the statements I made in the post are extreme and generalized – I thought that was obvious, though sometimes what I think is obvious is actually unclear, and I fully acknowledge that. The curse of writing is that words can never accurately express a belief, thought or feeling. A man can have a platonic relationship with a woman, and of course we don’t want to fuck everyone. I was making the point that most of the time what appears to be platonic is actually masking hidden desire and resentment.

  38. Very interesting post !

    I don’t agree with every point in it but it has some amazing insights.

    I’m one of the women who always has to initiate sex with my partner. We’ve been together for many years now and that’s pretty much a fixed pattern.

    I know I’m attractive but only because I see other guys reaction to me. I have had to flirt in the past with other guys to get the attention I needed but wanted from him.

    I’ve tried talking to him about it but he says he isn’t very sexual. It’s as if, over the years, he’s had the wind knocked out of him.

    I love him and think he’s incredibly hot but I have become afraid of initiating anything now because there are times when he rejects me.

    He rejects me sometimes by saying that he has something to do, or it’s late, things like that. And it hurts like hell. Probably because as women we aren’t used to being rejected in bed.

    I love him deeply but for him, sex is indeed something dirty and he can’t handle talking about it. I don’t want to have sex with other men but with him. But I do want to have sex in my life. And I don’t need to be made to feel afraid of rejection.

    He’s become so afraid of any kind of intimacy. And other men pick up on that and think that allows them to make passes.

    In another comment, I read that someone said that they’ve had other re lationships where the sex was better but the love was worse. That’s exactly where I am.

    So, it’s complicated and there doesn’t seem to be a way out of it.

    1. Dan,

      Let me try to phrase what I think John is trying to say in a less belligerent manner:
      The problem isn’t that feminism has gone too far—the problem is that some feminists refuse to grow up.
      By growing up, I mean discovering, as every adolescent ought, the correlation between rights and obligations.
      Bigger allowances, bigger salaries, and greater freedoms come with bigger strains—that’s why “compensation” is a very good description of getting paid in return for something.

      Those adolescents who discover the level of strain they can endure and make peace with the compensation they are awarded, turn into adults.
      Those who refuse to do so, will go to great lengths to convince themselves and everyone around themselves that the universe is one great collective conspiracy designed to exploit them and deprive them to what they believe to be their birthright.

      Women who do not want to be approached by ‘creeps’ cannot complain about men who are wary of being classified as one.
      Women who complain about men wanting one thing, cannot be miffed by the gentlemen who do everything to avoid the description.
      And of course, women who are just as capable of running businesses, organizations, and offices cannot expect to be shielded from the pain of rejection or the ‘humiliation’ of dirtying their hands.

      Of course, many women (and men) are not so capable in this area; the adults among them come to terms with their own vulnerabilities and learn to live with the level of pain they can bear. What they don’t do is blame the other half of humanity for not giving them what they want on a silver platter.

      I realize that you mean well, but by trying to convince women that they really can have it all (i.e. become a strong woman without becoming a resilient one), you are contributing to their adolescent fantasies of carefree freedom. In reality, freedom is anything but carefree.

  39. Dan,

    I just wanted to thank you SO much for this article! I am married to a great guy, who is awesome in every way, but this particular issue has really been a bother for many years. I won’t go into details, but I was up late tonight after being frustrated b/c, while he won’t initiate, he will pitch passive aggressive fits about it having been a while. I was at my wits end(we’ve been together over a decade). Your article seems spot on for a lot of reasons. I also have low self esteem, and am used to being pursued by aggressive men, but am very sexual once my heart has been won, so it was very confusing and disheartening for me when he wouldn’t pursue. It has broken my heart many times. I couldn’t figure it out and didn’t want to put myself in a position of always being the aggressor, b/c it’s not in my nature.
    I’m going to read the books you have recommended and put these things into practice. Other articles online just didn’t fit our situation and I was starting to worry that he just wasn’t ever going to be into me, but I KNOW he loves me.

    Thank you for giving my confidence a boost! I hope I can do the same for his. <3

    Sincerely,
    A much braver woman with her fingers crossed

    PS: Please ignore the haters, the article is fantastic! Aren't "resilient" and "strong" somewhat synonymous? lol

  40. I’ve been the one asking for sex he never did since we met and any time he have sex with me he fucks me only one and refuse to do it again then I got anoyed one day and said to him I will never ask him to fuck me again and since then hs has not ask me for me so am wondering the type of guy he is… Now I made up my mind to live me and let him do what he likes I won’t ask for sex until he ask me to.. What should I do now.. I always want him to sex me Aleast twice a week…

  41. This is a very informative article. I am going to show it to my husband and see if he connects with it. We’ve been putting each other through the ringer over this subject for 20 years. I’ve just had it, it’s so frustrating. I also didn’t know it was so common. I’ve been through every phase of this and my desire to continue to try is diminishing and sometimes I think he’s just a huge jerk when it come to listening to me that this is a problem. It’s not all the time but often enough to confuse and upset me. Especially since he acts very romantic during the day.

    Green light really sounds like a possible thing here. For the lady this feels like a halfhearted attempt on the mans part that doesn’t indicate much desire. I used to jump on him like a cat with the absolute joy of having him as mine but he embarrassed me but making comments that I was, well a bit much. He’s actually told me that it’s just no big deal for him but upon confrontation or my getting the point of tears acts very sorry and ashamed. So which is it?

    I miss feeling wanted. I’m not that old and don’t think its time to “lose it” yet. I still feel it and go of my way daily to make him feel sexy, actually I can’t help it. He is one seriously attractive guy he just exudes something that makes women follow him around when they see him. It’s some kind of magic and he sure does have it. Even other guys notice. It’s making me lose my mind with frustration to have this beautiful, sexy, sweet mostly thoughtful guy in front of me who seems uncomfortable with the actual sex. I am shy to but what a dirty trick life played on me with this one. I’m honestly just heartbroken that it’s an issue for us, because on every other front we are an amazing couple. People don’t know my shameful secret and I wouldn’t out him or make him look bad to others so I don’t get much or any support on this.

  42. So I’ll tell you from my perspective the reason why I don’t want to pursue 100% of the time is because how do I know she’s truly into me? If I initiate and have to turn her on just to have sex that makes me feel un wanted. It’d be nice if it was 50/50. Just to know I’m sexy to her and I drive her crazy the same she does me.

    1. Post
      Author

      Good clarification here James – initiating does not mean you need to do it 100% of the time, and it does not mean you should do all the “work.” This article is about the guys who initiate 0% of the time, and do very little of the work

  43. I, too, am in a very similar situation to Sadie, and would love to know what advice you gave to her. Please email me so we can talk more about my, I feel, hopeless situation 🙁

  44. I’ve been really moved by this article tonight.

    My partner and I have only been together half a year and already I’m struggling to come to terms with the sex we have.

    I am pretty much always the one to initiate sex and give the green light, but I find it really difficult to always play this role. It really does feel like a rejection and feels so painful.

    My partner had hundreds of sexual partners in his teens and early twenties but said that when he settled down with 2 former long term girlfriends. He has said those women were never really interested and he was conditioned to come quickly to get it over and done with.

    He said he has not been with someone who wants sex as often as I do (preferably a couple of times a week at least if I can!) or who so readily wants to please him – I’m very forthcoming with oral sex to him and enjoy the pleasure he gets from it. He always waits for the green light, will back off if he thinks I’m not giving the green light (apparently one night I yawned and so he thought I was too tired – internally I was screaming for him to take me there and then!) and generally comes quickly.

    Tonight, we had sex (instigated by me leaving him a naughty note in his lunch box). I wanted more half an hour later. He stopped playing on his phone and said he was tired and needing sleep.

    I’m just baffled. I’m so used to more sexually dominant men. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to play my part in initiating sex too but I don’t know what else to do. I’ve tried talking to him about it, weve had discussions about what we like, what we need sexually from each other. He talks the talk and appears genuinely happy sexually with me but then doesn’t follow through. He even boasts to his workmates about our sex life and how much I want him etc to make them jealous.

    Any thoughts??

    1. Post
      Author

      Hi Leigh, this is a common problem, and I think I might have some ideas about your specific guy. I’ll email you personally

  45. My boyfriend (of 7 months) does not initiate sex at all. He has a blockage. We kiss, we cuddle, we hug but no sex unless i pleasure him. I found out he had in his previous relationships women that were sexy. Now, I am different than them. I am a lady he says. He has no problem to get an erection in that department but he tells me he has blockage due to my body type that he will try his best to work on that. He loves me, adores me and wants to get married and live together. What kind of help does he need in that domain…. I need to have intimate relationship. Need to make a decision here and he is such a greatttttttttttttttttt guy. Any advise?????

  46. I have been struggling to understand what happened with my relationship for the last couple of years and read numerous articles only to still be confused & frustrated; yours is the first article that truly makes sense of what likely happened, makes me realize I am loved and not being ‘used’, for lack of a better term, and gives me hope that, although there are no guarantees, with time, patience and nurturing, maybe I can get back what I once had with a man I love immensely.
    Thank you, for a unique insight. I will definitely be looking at your book and other articles you’ve written.
    Angel

  47. First let me introduce myself a bit.
    I am a male on my mid 30s. For as long as I can remember,
    I was never really interested in intimacy or expressing sexual desire.
    The first masturbation I had was really an accident. I was curious why
    my body behaved that way. It was a few years later when I
    discovered what it really was at my school’s public library.

    My first and only sexual relationship came in my mid 20s.
    It started as a means to shut up my male friends’ mouths
    and validate myself as a man to their eyes (and mine). It was two years
    into that relationship that I had my first sexual intercourse. It felt
    stressful honestly. 7 years passed with the low sexual desire on my part
    as a recurring theme for fights with my girlfriend. I tried explaining
    what was going on, that I wasn’t sexually driven from the beginning.
    I tried to validate her as a sensual woman but that cannot be done
    verbally. That cannot be done by cuddling or kissing either.
    Eventually the relationship broke down out of failure to understand
    one another and communicate in a constructive way.
    Which brings us to the present and to the issue discussed.
    I still don’t feel intimate with women. In fact for a while after
    the destructive relationship it had gotten worse for a while on
    so many levels both physical and metal. I have been visiting a psychiatrist
    for a few years now. This seems to help me semi-function on a daily basis.

    Let me make a couple of points clear on my end :

    As a man trying to solve that problem, this article failed to
    address the problem altogether. The phrase and I quote, “…You put
    almost any man in the dark next to a naked feminine body and he will
    want to have sex with it. Despite what they claim, men are fairly
    basic mammals.” didn’t help either. It’s more complicated than that.
    If males are or acted like basic mammals, I doubt there would be
    sexual frustrations (or lack thereof) by the way we know it today.
    The root of the problem you are attempting to address lies
    in the male psyche as you said. So no other than that male himself
    can overcome it, despite the best of intentions of his spouse or
    friends.

    On the risk-taking, approaching a woman subject and to your question
    that you ask your clients about what they are actually afraid it will
    happen, my answer would be that she would actually accept. That’s what
    terrifies me. This is much more complicated than it sounds.

    I have read No More Mr Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert A Glover. I liked it.
    It was painful to read. What I believe is that a man attempting to read
    it needs to be prepared. It won’t help on its own. There are so many
    different underlying factors that lead to that same Mr Nice Guy mental state.
    Or to the state of abstaining from relationships or intimacy in general.
    They need to be addressed first.

    My advice for the male reading this, who knows something’s off and
    wants to address it. Go to a professional. Someone that clicks for you.
    You may not find the right one for you from the start.
    Once you do, it’s going to be a tough long journey. It will be bumpy.
    But it will be interesting. And in later stages, it will be fun.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *